New Year's Philosophy

A Warm Higgins Hello,

For starters, I would like to wish all my fine followers a Happy New Year. New Year…. it has an attractive auditory allure to it. Much like the scent of a finely rolled Cuban cigar, a glass of perfectly aged single-malt scotch, the softness of a sophisticated woman’s touch…pardon my temporary tangent.


To begin a New Year is to completely eliminate the previous year’s achievements and failures from memory. To wipe clean the proverbial slate in preparation for a whole new year of opportunities is one of the most refreshing activities a man could ever perform, secondary to a good ride on a freshly installed bidet.


Many are the common people who make so called “New Years Resolutions.” These resolutions often are silly and juvenile like give more to charity, quit smoking/drinking/hooking, volunteer for soup kitchens, etc. Obviously these are the proclamations of those less-than-sophisticated cretins who also think that “going green” has anything to do with saving the earth’s resources when we intelligent folks know it is a Mongolian reference to money.
As a member of high society, it is in my Higgins Honor Code to guide those less fortunate than me, which is nearly everyone, in how to start off the New Year right. Please read the following and try to follow them to the letter of the word;


1.) According to the ancient Mayan Calendar, this is Annus of Verus Vir or The Year of the Real Man. For those of you who have been accused rightly or wrongly of being feminine/weak/submissive, this is the time to drink in your testosterone, flex your man muscle, and mark your territory. (yes, I intend literally)


2.) Those people who resolve to lose weight, work out, or become better looking this year need to save your breath. People are born attractive, so if you have not achieved it by now, then society has deemed you unworthy and you cannot rise in physical status. A real man does not need to work out, as by flexing his intellect and working his social muscles will keep him in perfect shape and smelling much better than a ghastly smelling Weddle-used gym jock.


3.) Those who wish to be more charitable, serving, and community-service minded must realize that people are in the predicaments in life that they are for a reason. For example, as I am a pure bred Higgins from a long line of Higgins’, I am destined to be superior in all aspects to the common man. It does no good to give a commoner such as a Weddle, Crab, Smith, or Ogden any assistance in climbing the societal ladder as it will only serve to frustrate them when they cannot maintain the high level of competence required to reside this high in the ranks.


4.) The bad habits that you have spent the last year nurturing, coddling, and perfecting will not be broken simply by making a silly resolution. The only Higgins-endorsed way to break a bad habit is to throw enough money at the problem that it goes away. For example, prostitution. I have an acquaintance that for the sake of argument we will call “Jessie” who has an addiction to prostitution. His addiction is NOT employing these street walkers, but rather playing the role of one. He constantly feels the need to dress in drag and in his size 10D 4 inch stilettos, parade down the streets of a town called “Overland Park” pleading for business from the wealthy members of the community. Jessie has longed to escape this lifestyle, but the feel of the stilettos, the embrace of fishnet stockings, and the comfort of the crotchless sequence thongs make this a difficult activity to dispose of. For Jessie to finally break this habit, he must find an investor who is willing to pay for a $10,000 Clockwork Orange-style therapy session to brainwash him out of this lifestyle. Being the selfless Higgins that I am, I am happy to donate $5 toward this noble effort. Good luck, “Jessie.”


5.) Last but not least, if you are a hapless married man who has not engaged in an appropriate amount of “intimate moments” with your wife, then your problem is simple. You must not be a refined enough man for a woman to want to present her lovely woman spirit to. Try and spending a little more time on pubic hair grooming, ear cerebrum extraction, and inguinal massaging. These are some of my own exquisite hygiene rituals that have gotten me more female attention than baby-oil-covered Bradley Cooper (Phil from the Hangover.)

In closing, this is an exciting time in beginning a new year. I have many plans for this year, and if you are deemed worthy enough by the Higgins Class-O-Meter, you may get to partake in these functions.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that tthey always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be" Marcel Pagnol 1895-1974

Last year is in the past and this year is in the future. Don’t mix them up. E.R. Higgins 2010