The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Happy Holidays Dearest Friends,

Today’s elegant entry is centered on the giving season. While some less-than civilized people may be under the influence that “it is the thought that counts,” they do not matriculate in the societal circles that the select few of us do on a daily basis. To give a gift that could be found in a Wal-Mart, Target, or Kohls is on the same class level as bringing Arbor Mist to a Bordeaux tasting.

When you find that perfect present for that special someone, you must deeply ponder whether or not it will floor them like Mike Tyson on Vern Troyer with its majesticness. If someone opens their gift, and they respond by saying “I love it” or “it’s just what I wanted,” then you have failed, my silly little naive friend. The true test of the impact factor of the gift is the ability for the gift to render the recipient speechless.

The scientists at the Honorable Institute of Gothical Graduate International Neo-linguistic Station (H.I.G.G.I.N.S) have undertaken intense studies on what is actually occurring in the sub-cerebellar part of the sub-conscious during this process. They have dubbed the condition Higgins-itis, as it often is a result of a gift given from a Higgins. The shear shock of such a classy gift triggers a release of the chemical farkinawesome (pronounced FARkin Awesome) which inhibits the trigeminal nerve and temporally paralyzes the vocal cords for a minimum of 30 seconds. I myself witness this syndrome every time someone is lucky enough to receive a gift from moi.

There are two treatments for this Higgins-itis. The first is simply to allow the gift’s shocking effect to wear off. The second is to immediately place your hand softly on her shoulder and whisper sensuously in her ear, “Please accept this gift as a pathetic attempt to please someone of your unfathomable status.” This strategy makes her think that you are humble in addition to being uber-classy. The end result usually involves tears, hugs, and you may use your imagination on what follows later on….

Hopefully those readers who look at Higgins’ as a role-model have learned something from this entry and can put into practice some of these methods for couthness. I hope all have great end to 2009 and more importantly, have a prosperous 2010.

“That’s the gift that keeps on giving the WHOLE year.” – Cousin Eddy, Christmas Vacation, 1989

“A gift that keeps on giving for a year should receive immediate medication, quarantined, and surgical debridement.” – E.R. Higgins, 2009