Birthday Blues

My Contemporary Companions,

I apologize for my delinquency in posting this until now, but yesterday was a dark day in the distinguished history of Higgins. Many of you may know that on January 14th, I turned another year older and this year was, I’m afraid to say, the most difficult to date.

For as long as my rapier-like memory can remember, I have always been the most intelligent, the most sophisticated, and by far the most attractive man in the known world. Travelers would embark on treacherous pilgrimages on the chance that they would get to bask in the glory of my philosophical decrees, drink in my theoretical proclamations, to gaze at my Fabio like Physique. Women wanted to be with me and the men…well some men wanted to be with me too but that would have been a little awkward but not completely out of the question.

Up until yesterday, my life had been blemish-free. I had been happier than a Ricky at a Dungeons and Dragons Convention. January 14th, 2010, will go down as an infamous day in the history of Higgins. For upon yesterday, an ancient prophesy known only as Dita e Flamuri do Drop, was tragically fulfilled. As the Higgins genealogy traces back to its roots to prehistoric Albania, this archaic phrase is quite obviously in Albanian and the translation roughly translates into English as The Day the Flag will Drop. For those of you uneducated folks, the Flag was an old reference to the male reproductive organ. Drop was also a term that was synonymous with today’s term falter/quit/fade/etc. So quite literally, this prophecy may be modernized to read The Day the Weiner will Fail.

Yes, I am ashamed to admit that this prophesy did in fact come to fruition on my sacred birthday. A day that is sacred to all males to be the day that partaking in the pleasures of the female flesh requires absolutely no work on our parts and the tantrical fantasies are guaranteed to become a reality. I had the pleasure to be in the company of a women so outstandingly beautiful she could make Stevie Wonder's trousers dance.

We had met at charity function whose goal was to help recovering felonious financial investors find new elderly folks to prey upon and suck dry much a black widow to an aging butterfly. Neither one of us was intentionally looking for the other, but we locked eyes over the Rocky Mountain oyster buffet, and immediately fell under each other’s spell. As the evening progressed, we began to become intimately engaged in intellectual jousting, each trying to penetrate the other’s defenses without allowing the other to infiltrate our own barriers. Obviously you can see where this saga is trending…..

Back at the House of Higgins, we continued our battle of wits however we invited my dear friend Mr. Glen Fiddich to join us which created an interesting spin on our discussion points. Soon we began to explore each others terrain which rapidly progressed to foraging in one another’s foliage.

Suddenly, without warning, something terribly wrong happened. As I was preparing to make like Christopher Columbus and claim her unconquered territory, a deflating feeling came upon me and I realized that my Higgins Handle had begun to lose functioning. Nothing I could do would raise the Flag, rally the troops, rebuild the fort, etc. Fate had apparently deemed me to be the one in which the ancient foreboding prophecy to occur on. My female companion was crushed at the missed opportunity to experience a ride on the one of a kind Higgins Train of Pleasure. She took my receiving the prophecy as a personal failure and quickly excused herself from my presence into the cold dark night.

My dearest friends, I share my previous 24 hours with you not to make you pity me or to feel guilty if you sampled the female flesh while I was selected not to do so. I share this story with you to illustrate a point that fate truly does have EVERYTHING to do with happiness. As I have mentioned before, I have always been selected by the fates to be superior to others in all aspects of life. This one occurrence on my sterling record of conquests will haunt me for the remainder of my life, but it also will give others hope that even the elite of the elitists can be chosen to experience tragedy. The silver lining in this saga is that the ancient Algerian prophesy has been administered, completed, and now is dead. I may now go forth and conquer the vast female land that is eagerly waiting to be claimed by the Higgins without concern of the infamous Dita e Flamuri do Drop.

To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others - Budda 563-483 B.C.

All civilized men conquer fear and failure on a daily basis. A Higgins has no fear and has never failed so he is already better than all other men. E.R. Higgins 2010